 Who likes talking about suicide? It’s uncomfortable.
That’s why I want to talk about it. Looking at those stats is overwhelming and shocking. So what can we do? We can check in on those around us and know what to look for so we can recognize the signs of suicide.
What can you do? If you are worried about someone you love asking about their wellbeing could be a matter of life or death. Check in on your friends and family. Ask how they are doing, ask how you can support them and never keep someone’s plan for suicide a secret. There is always hope. There are emergency resources available for those who need them. If you find yourself in a situation where you are feeling hopeless or you are identifying with any of the behaviors or thoughts mentioned in this article, there is no need to be ashamed, there is help for you. Contact your mental health provider today if you do not have one please contact us and we will set you up with the appropriate therapist for your needs. If you are currently having serious thoughts of harming yourself or have a plan to harm yourself or commit suicide, you need to get help right now. If you are in the U.S. you can call 911 or The National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-TALK(8255).
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 Allowing your child to play football at any level is a difficult decision for any parent due to the concern for broken bones, concussions, and the potential for long-term negative consequences. No one would have ever expected that we as parents would also have to worry about a pandemic impacting their physical and mental health. Enough time has been spent over the past four months by “experts” educating all of us about the physical precautions that we need to take in order to keep our kids safe from the virus. However, not enough time has been spent talking about dealing with their mental health.
As a therapist and mother of two boys who have played football for many years (local leagues, middle school, high school, and now college), I can tell you that in general the state of their mental health is just as important as their physical preparedness for the game. One of the main reasons my husband and I have continued to encourage them to play football are the life lessons that they can learn from the game. Dealing with adversity of the pandemic and navigating the unknown regarding their upcoming season is just another one of the lessons. As a parent we have a crucial role in these lessons learned, that of support and encouragement. We have always told our children that there are two things that we cannot give them in life: attitude and effort. We can buy them the best helmet and cleats, pay for the best coaching and personal trainers, drive them all over the state to show case their skills, but we cannot make them have a positive attitude or make them give 100% effort. I believe through our support, encouragement, and role modeling that they will desire to have both of these things. So talk to your children. Be open with them about the uncertainty of things and validate their concerns and frustrations. Help them to discern between the things that are in their control verses what is not. The pandemic is what it is, the decisions of the government about school and sports is what it is, but they can control their attitude about it and the effort they put in to be prepared mentally and physically if they are allowed to participate in the football season. Help them recognize that the season might be reduced, forced to stay local, or cancelled all together. Continue to encourage them to workout, run routes, hydrate, and stay in contact with their teammates. Routine, structure, contact with our support systems, and a positive attitude are highly important for all of us during the pandemic regardless of what sport we play or job we have. With Back-To-School upon us you might be wondering how you can keep the nutrition going packed up in your kiddos lunch pail. I’m here today to offer up a few ways to make them nutrient packed and a step beyond the norm. Recently, I came across the new Cauliflower Thins and Jicama Wraps from Trader Joe’s. They are delicious and a super avenue for getting more vegetables in your child’s diet. They are also an excellent option for kids with Celiac Disease or have a nut allergy. For the Cauliflower Thins you can layer thin slices of cucumber, a slice of organic deli turkey (omit if vegan), thin slices of avocado or spread of guacamole, and a slice of tomato. If you want a healthier improv of the pizza Lunchables, you can also pack them along with a side of tomato sauce, shredded cheese, and olives or another favorite toppings to build his/her own pizza.  On to the Jicama wraps. These are nice and crunchy and do no have an overpowering flavor, sure to pass even a picky eaters taste test. Here you can take canned tuna/chicken/salmon, finely dice up celery, pickles, & onion (if they’ll eat it), and Veganaise mayo. Combine well. Fill the Jicama Wrap like a taco or burrito and there you have it! You can also toss in a container of berries to boost their brain power.  All of these options include the protein they need for growth and strength, the right kind of fats for their brain & body, and quality carbohydrates packed with nutrition to keep their immune systems at peak and full of energy. Stayed tuned for more healthy kid-friendly suggestions.
 Many of us are thinking the same thing at this moment. How are we supposed to manage our schedules in the ever-changing world we live in right now? Kids are starting school with a mix of online and in person learning. Parents are juggling going into work, working from home, kids doing school from home, chores, couple time, family time, alone time, and all while still trying to have a bit of normalcy and fun in all the chaos. My hope is that I can give you some ideas for how to create and manage a new schedule that brings a sense of balance and consistency for this upcoming year. Whether your kids will be attending school online or face to face, forming a dependable and reliable routine for home time that also incorporates your own self-care is incredibly important.
When creating a schedule, incorporate kids in the decisions by asking what is important to them to include on the schedule. If they are doing school from home, ask them what time of day works better for them to do some of their schoolwork when they do not have specific times they will be in online classes. What time would they like their snack? What time would they like some playtime? Having these little decisions will help create some control in their world which helps to decrease anxiety. For younger kids, having a clear schedule that is put in a central location is helpful. Color-coded sections for them highlight their value in the family and what each can expect (you don’t have to use this, just maybe add something about what this does for kids). Some parents use a clock that has color coded sections like the following picture. Each section has a label associated with it and this helps for kids that cannot tell time. For teens, sometimes you do not need to have a complete set schedule but having set expectations is helpful. If they have some freedom with when they can complete their school-work, some of these expectations can be:
Even in an unpredictable world, we can have set family fun time! This is something that all of you can look forward to after a long school and work week. You can set a movie night every Friday starting at 6pm. You order pizza, pick a movie, build a fort, and enjoy time with each other! No matter what this year brings, the most important things are to be consistent when you can, give choices when possible, and to be sure to make time for fun!  Sports and other physical activities come with an inherent risk of injury. Sometimes, injuries occur due to an unforeseeable event. These types of scenarios are challenging to avoid unless you can see into the future, of course. On the other hand, there are predisposing factors that can make you more susceptible to injuries. Some of these factors include:
How Can You Prevent Injuries? Addressing the factors above is a great start. Taking action now may help you avoid future injuries, relieve pain, and keep yourself healthy! Chiropractic care is a great way to reduce the risk of injury and treat preexisting ailments. There are various treatment methods chiropractic doctors may use to achieve this.
The stress/emotional tension you may have and the foods you consume are significant to the body’s ability to heal and recover. Though overlooked, individuals cannot forget these factors. At Curis, we also offer mental health counseling and nutritional services. For more information on treatments and services, visit our website here! Fun Fact Almost all professional sports organizations, including the Olympics, utilize chiropractic care for their athletes.  No one is certain what back to school is going to look like, but seeing a Chiropractor is a MUST on any back to school checklist. The Chiropractic adjustment has benefits for school children of all ages. It can help your child pay better attention, grasp difficult concepts, and improve athletic performance. For sure, whether we are sitting at home or in a classroom once school starts, the benefits of good posture and chiropractic care are the same. Chiropractic and posture are intertwined because bones move in specific ways. Sitting in the same slouched position for long periods inevitably leads to neck and back problems. Not only will chiropractic adjustments help prevent future spine problems, but they also help teach proper posture and keep your student sitting up and paying attention. In a university study, half the participants were told to sit with good posture and pay attention to a lecture while the other half were supposed to lounge in the seat. After the class, each participant took a test on the professor's lecture. The participants who sat with good posture scored an average of 30% higher on the test. Sitting upright isn't the only way Chiropractic care can help your child function and learn. Research shows that spinal adjustments improve brain function by up to 20%, specifically in the prefrontal cortex. Research has shown that spinal adjustments improve sensory and motor function, balance, muscle strength, and activation. All of these benefits can be useful for growing children and athletes alike and can be related to the effects of spinal adjustments on the prefrontal cortex. That part of the brain allows us to see the world around us and process it into usable information. Affecting this area of the brain has the potential to improve a LOT of higher-level functions! These can include behavior, memory, spatial awareness, motor function and control, attention, and even decision making. Whether at home or in the classroom, eating fruit snacks or sushi for lunch, studying shapes or geometry, don't let your child go back to school without first getting their spine aligned! Reference: Lelic, D, Niazi, IK, Holt, K, Jochumsen, M, Dremstrup, K, Yielder, P, Murphy, B, Drewes, A and Haavik, H (2016), "Manipulation of dysfunctional spinal joints affects sensorimotor integration in the prefrontal cortex: A brain source localization study," Neural Plasticity, Volume 2016 (2016).  Summer is here, and everyone is itching to get outside and into the sun. After months of being cooped up inside, nothing feels better than breaking a sweat in the warm rays. However, that beautiful sun can make it too hot to be outside, even dangerous. You can put yourself at risk for heat-related issues, so it's essential to know when it's too hot to exercise outdoors, continue your workout inside, and stay committed to your health goals. First off, heat and humidity are a dangerous combination. Your body must work much harder to regulate the temperature in a humid environment than it does in a dry one. Use a heat index to determine if exercising outside is the right choice that day. If you decide to brave the sun, watch out for headaches, dizziness, muscle cramps, nausea, or vomiting as these are all signs of heat-related illness. If you feel any of these symptoms, stop exercising, find some shade, and put a cold, moist rag on your head. It doesn't hurt to call a friend either. There are plenty of ways to get in a great work out while staying inside, and basic levels of exercise aren't as challenging as most people think! The Department of Health and Human Services recommends at least:
Additionally, the recommendation is that you train major muscle groups twice per week. An easy way to plan for all this is to break it down to 30 minutes of moderate exercise every day. The more time you invest or by increasing the level of intensity, the more significant your benefits will be. REMEMBER, something is better than nothing, so do what you can with the time you have! Breaking your routine will lead to breaking a good habit. Ten minutes of effort can help maintain your motivation for the next day. Here's an example of an indoor, at-home workout you can do when the heat index is too high. For the sake of keeping it interesting, I am going to ignore the common ones everyone knows; push-ups, squats, and crunches. Lower Body Segment
Upper Body Segment
Core Segment
This at-home workout is an example of one you can do indoors. There are many other indoor activities that you can do, such as; yoga, barre, going to the gym, and other online resources. Remember to a check with your doctor before beginning a workout program, but also remain consistent and have proper form when doing any exercise.
Stay safe, and let's continue to make our health a priority.  The Distract, Relax, and Cope technique is a Dialectical Behavior therapy technique that can help you with anxiety and feelings of dissociation that many are experiencing during this stressful time. 1. Distract: Sometimes, the best way to distract yourself from painful emotions is by doing pleasurable activities. You do not have to wait until you feel overwhelmed to try a pleasurable activity. The recommendation is to do something pleasurable every day as it can help stave off depression by activating endorphins in the body. Some examples of pleasurable activities you could try are:
Other things you can try to distract yourself are: Doing something for someone else can be very useful, distracting your thoughts by keeping a prayer or special saying with you, distract with tasks and chores, or distract by placing your hand on your belly and counting your breaths (or counting anything) 2. Relax and Soothe Yourself: Relaxation is essential for our health and well-being. When you relax, your blood pressure lowers, your heart beats more slowly, and you can get out of your flight or fight response, which allows your brain to think of healthier ways to cope with your problems. A great way to relax and ground (perfect for dissociation) is to utilize the five senses. Focusing on and engaging with what you smell, see, taste, hear, or feel in the present moment can help you relax and soothe. Smell
Sight
Hearing
Taste
Touch
3. Cope: Put your relax and distract skills into practice! Pick some from these lists that work for you or come up with some new ideas your own! Keeping your stress levels down keeps your cortisol down, which helps your immune system function better and promotes feelings of well-being. So, the next time you are feeling stressed, remember to distract, relax, and cope!
 All About Spectrums is a three-part blog series, so if you are just now tuning in, there are two previous parts that are full of helpful tips for having challenging conversations, educational information, and terminology that will be helpful when reading this installment. All three parts follow the storyline of a conversation I had with my mom about gender and sexuality, and what that looks like for different people. In Part 3: Gender Expression, I will be tackling how we all make decisions about expressing ourselves, and how physical appearance is a window into which others can begin to know who we are and, also misjudge us. After sitting in the small hotel café for over an hour and a half, our cups and plates long empty, our minds were spinning with all the layers of conversation about gender spectrums, sexuality spectrums, how transgender people know they are transgender (the short answer, they just know!), pronouns, and the importance of being seen and acknowledged as a whole person, including all of the various aspects of identity. There was an element that I felt was missing from what we had discussed so far. We touched on it here and there but had mostly avoided or made assumptions about it. Breaking the #1 rule about not defining a term with the term, gender expression is simply how someone expresses their internal gender experience outwardly. Despite the first impression seeming simple, gender expression is something that is very complex, wrought by history, culture, location, society, gender roles, and many other contextual factors. When I first learned about Queer Theory in college, I became fascinated with the concept of a set of ideals and meanings being constructed by and within a social group. Even though my mom did not directly ask about gender expression, I could not resist exploring the topic. What is Gender Expression? When you think of what a woman or a man looks like, images probably come to mind, features are highlighted as seemingly belonging to each. Where do you think that you learned these from? Maybe you learned them from your care givers and how they presented themselves. These care givers may have provided certain clothes for you and had your hair cut a certain way when you were a young child, and the embarrassing photos of the awkward years may still be immortalized in frames on the walls. Maybe you learned what people of different professions, cultures, and genders looked like in school. Eventually, you began to make more decisions for yourself about the colors, the designs, the brands, and the types of items you wore. You may have had some say about the length of your hair, the color, how it was styled. I would imagine, however, that many of these choices were limited to a range of options decided by, or at least influenced by, what caregivers, friends, teachers, commercials, social media, celebrities, authority figures, leaders in your religious or spiritual community, or people within your culture deemed appropriate for a person of a certain age, ethnicity, sexual orientation, or gender identity. Without saying a word, how we appear tells a story, from likes and dislikes, to our membership to certain groups, to how we are or hope to be perceived. Though gender expression is linked to gender identity, it is separate because how we appear is an external manifestation of an internal experience. Additionally, gender expression may be limited by others, as discussed above, or a need for safety. It may also be something we experiment with because it does impact and reflect how each of us feels on a given day and how each of us is perceived by others. Gender expression is not limited to just our physical appearance, which is a personal choice of how a person presents themself to others. It also includes the social and cultural norms that we learn are associated with particular genders and how a person of a certain gender presents. Simultaneously, gender expression includes an additional set of socially constructed rules about gender roles, or cultural ideals, about how a person of a particular gender acts, including behaviors, mannerisms, what their voice sounds like, how they communicate and express their emotions, and how they move (Brill & Kenney, 2016). The complete interwoven makeup of culture and gender expression shows us how malleable and often superficial our assumptions about gender are, because these social ideals of what is associated with a particular gender continue to shift and change from one location to the next, from one time period to the next, from one culture to the next. Gender expression is a conversation between an individual and those around them because it is a personal statement communicated about us, that is perceived by others, as intended or not. What we look like and how we act often leads to others making assumptions about us from a distance. These messages we give may be intentional, communicating that we are a member of a group, a certain profession, going to the gym, or simply confident and proud of being ourselves. Assumptions can also be incredibly harmful when they violate what we know about ourselves, and we are mislabeled, misgendered, called names, or shut out. Confusion, intolerance, lack of language, or inability to categorize, resulting from inaccurate assumptions can limit our ability to remain open to connection and mutual understanding. As discussed in Part 1: Tips for Collaborative Conversation, leaving assumptions and expectations at the door leaves room for opening the door to access each other. Femininity and Masculinity Diving deeper into gender expression, the qualities that we learn from our cultural and social upbringing and associate with gender can also be understood in terms of spectrums! I am going to refer to the helpful diagram from the Trans Student Educational Resources, The Gender Unicorn, designed by Landyn Pan and Anna Moore (TSER, 2014). As discussed in the previous section, there are physical features, appearances, and actions that are associated with being male/man/boy and with being female/woman/girl. These can be understood as masculinity and femininity, respectively. Defining these qualities in terms of masculinity and femininity more accurately separates gender identity from gender expression. A person identifying as a man may in fact express himself as more feminine than masculine. Similarly, a woman may want to present as traditionally more masculine. Their decisions to present as more feminine or masculine do not say anything about their sexual orientations, despite what stereotypes portray. Or a person may want to mix and match masculine, feminine, and more neutral qualities day to day or in a single ensemble. A person who is gender non-conforming expresses their gender in a way that does not align with cultural or social expectations of gender (Brill & Kenney, 2016). Incorporating spectrums allows for a more accurate understanding of gender expression, by attempting to account for the variations in gender expression. Based on The Gender Unicorn, a person can have none or any level of masculine, feminine and/or other qualities making up their gender expression (TSER, 2014). Raised in a culture and society that categorizes gender as binary, the automatic attempts to classify others is usually also within that binary (Brill & Kenney, 2016). This is something that will hopefully change with time, as more people expose themselves to the diversity of life, but this is still the unfortunate reality for most of us. When someone does not fit within this artificial image of man/masculine and woman/feminine in gender presentation, confusion can lead to anger and discrimination because someone’s gender expression does not fit within social expectations for their gender identity. Most discrimination about people who do not fit within social and cultural expectations comes out as homophobia even though the intolerance is about gender expression. Additionally, discrimination about gender identity, using gender identity language, also focuses primarily on gender expression, though there is still significant discrimination based on gender identity as well. The more a person presents themselves outside of cultural expectations, the more discrimination they are likely to face (Brill & Kenney, 2016). Even though gender expression is about reflecting our internal experience and showing that to the world, we are not always seen as intended. Most people do not fit 100% within these discrete markers of masculinity and femininity. As we begin to realize how much energy and effort we are putting into trying to conform, we can begin to be more authentic to ourselves and start accepting each other (Brill & Kenney, 2016). Congruence Working towards congruence involves aligning the internal experience with the external experience and becoming closer to your authentic self. This is something that every person goes through when discovering all the different aspects of their unique identity, expressing this, and working towards authenticity. These aspects are not limited to the various spectrums of gender identity, gender expression, and sexuality, discussed in the three parts of the All About Spectrumsblog series. Being authentic impacts quality of life, the interactions we have with others, and our relationships. For a person who is transgender or non-binary, this journey can be demanding, challenging, freeing, and lifesaving. Gender is an innate part of who we are, and to bring into alignment all aspects of gender leads to feeling more complete and more whole (Brill & Kenney, 2016). This process looks different for every person, even though steps taken may resemble each other. The steps taken towards the alignment of gender identity, body, and gender expression is the process of taking congruence measures. When a person reaches the point of acceptance of their gender identity and feeling like their gender expression is an adequate representation of who they are physically and socially, they reach gender congruence (Brill & Kenney, 2016). Gender transition is a general term for changing externally from one gender to another, but this does not automatically mean a medical transition! Gender transition can include one or more of the following subcategories: social transition, medical transition, surgical transition, and legal transition. Social transition is changing many of the factors of gender expression such as clothing, hair, gender roles, mannerisms, pronouns, name, and more. Medical transition involves medical interventions like hormone suppressants or cross hormones, hormone replacement therapy (HRT), that promote body changes towards one’s gender identity. Surgical transition involves surgical interventions that either add or remove traits that are associated with a certain sex and/or gender. And legal transition is the process of changing identification documents, including gender marker change and name change (Brill & Kenney, 2016). Every person’s journey towards personal harmony is unique to them. Finding ways to seek support or be supportive of a person in your life who may be working towards gender congruence is vital to helping every person be their whole and authentic self. *This story was told with permission from my mom. Thanks, mom! Terminology *Note: Language is constantly evolving and many of these terms may change in the future. Terms are, generally, ordered as they appeared in the text above. Additional terms were added to the list for clarity.
References
Brill, S., & Kenney, L. (2016). The transgender teen: A handbook for parents and professionals supporting transgender and non-binary teens. Jersey City, NJ: Cleis Press. TSER: Trans Student Educational Resources (2014). The Gender Unicorn. Retrieved from https://www.transstudent.org/gender/  If you are just joining us for the All About Spectrums three-part blog series, welcome! Though this blog post can be read independently, it would be helpful to visit Part 1: Tips for Collaborative Conversation, where this conversation began and for a list of previously defined terms. To bring everyone up to speed, here is a quick reminder of what inspired this discussion of spectrums: My mom and I were eating breakfast together in a small hotel café when she decided to inquire about how a couple consisting of a transgender man and a transgender woman have sex. Shocked by her bluntness? So was I! Following the Tips for Collaborative Conversation, I moved through my initial reaction towards an open discussion of mutual learning. In Part 2 of this series, I will discuss the first phase of explanation to tackle my mom’s loaded question by providing explanations of what is gender identity, why is gender identity a confusing topic for many of us, what distinguishes gender identity from sexuality, and what do I mean by the word spectrum. As a disclaimer, all of what will be discussed is subject to change and evolve as more people share their authentic selves and diversity flourishes, instead of being stunted by fear and forced to conform into boxes that do not really fit. I am simply sharing to the best of my ability, and I hope that some or all of this will be helpful. Spectrum Spectrum is typically defined as a scale between two extremes, or possibly more known as a band of colors, such as a rainbow. For our purposes, I will be referring to spectrum more as a continuum where someone can exist at any point on multiple spectrums simultaneously. By using the term, spectrum, I am also acknowledging the natural variety of life. Unpacking Loaded Questions Unpacking my mom’s question took a few iterations. Firstly, my mom was asking about the couple from the lens of gender being limited to the binary of boy/man/male and girl/woman/female. She also assumed that when this couple has sex they would want to only use the anatomy they were born with, which is both a denial of any discomfort they may experience about their bodies, an assumption about their experiences of themselves and each other, and a restricted view of sexuality. Additionally, she wondered about their sexual orientations before and after transitioning, assuming both people had transitioned. To begin, I started with the two sets of spectrums: gender identity and sexuality. Gender Identity Gender does not exist in the binary, but instead on a continuum, as described above. As such, gender identity can occur within what Western culture outlines in limited categories of a gender binary of man and woman, and between or separate from these. This does not mean that gender identities that fall within the gender binary are bad or wrong, because there is a place for these. Rather there is now, and hopefully more in the future, acknowledgement and recognition of other gender identities. Anyone who has not given much thought about their own gender, usually because their assumed gender matched their assigned sex at birth, may find it challenging to understand someone else’s gender when it does not fit within the traditional gender binary (Brill & Kenney, 2016). For the above example referenced by my mom, a man was assigned female at birth by the doctor who delivered him based on his physical anatomy and he coupled up with a woman who was assigned male at birth based on her physical anatomy. For this example that my mom specifically asked about, we are assuming that both identify as transgender and on the ends of the male/female spectrums that align with the gender binary, but it is very possible that a couple resembling this example would identify differently. Both may have experienced discrepancies between their bodies and their minds, and both, individually, may have decided to find ways to align their bodies, through transitioning and their gender expressions, with their gender identities. With a statement like this, it is important to remember that being a transgender person is not a mental condition but rather a medical condition. A person experiencing gender dysphoria, will have distress, anxiety, or discomfort about their gender and/or assigned sex at birth (Brill & Kenney, 2016). A person is born transgender, and medical intervention may be a necessary component of aligning a person’s body with their brain. Additionally, transgender individuals may also want to simply be accepted as their gender identity with the body that they have. Transgender individuals may also desire to simply be seen and accepted as being their gender identity without the adjective, ‘transgender.’ Trans Student Educational Resources (2014) offers a helpful graphic for visualizing all the spectrums I will be discussing here and in Part 3: Gender Expression called The Gender Unicorn, designed by Landyn Pan and Anna Moore (TSER, 2014). For the fictional couple in the example, I am assuming the following based on my mom’s question: the trans woman identifies exclusively as a woman, 100% as a woman, 0% man, and 0% any other gender, while the trans man identifies exclusively as a man, 100% as a man, 0% woman, and 0% other gender. I am only using percentages here as a way for me and the reader to imagine, visualize, and quantify this in a similar way, but gender is not something that can be quantified or calculated, unless someone decides to explain their gender in this way. Gender is rather a unique, important, and inextricable part of someone’s identity. As such, gender identity is a huge part of someone being their authentic self. Gender is much more complicated and expansive than chromosomes or physical anatomy, especially when we learn how little chromosomes and physical features actually align with previous definitions of assigned sex at birth. I want to emphasize that gender, no matter where it falls on, around, or off of any spectrum is valid and not a choice, though many choices are made with expressing one’s gender, following or not following traditional gender expectations (Brill & Kenney, 2016). Gender identity is an internal experience of one’s sense of self and can include identifying as part or wholly female/woman, part or wholly male/man, neither, or part or wholly other gender(s). As an innate part of a person’s identity, gender identity is an internal experience that others cannot know unless they ask (Brill & Kenney, 2016). Most individuals know at a very young age what their gender identity is, including cisgender, transgender and non-binary children. Additionally, a person with limited exposure to genders beyond the gender binary may experience feeling different but lack the language to describe themselves. Through familial or social pressures, and even the potential for or actual physical and/or emotional harm or death, many non-binary and transgender people live as a gender identity that they would not claim under more accepting and supportive circumstances. Doing so can be extremely mentally and physically damaging, as is clear when faced with the statistic of 40% or more of trans and non-binary people attempting suicide (Brill & Kenney, 2016, Save.org, 2018). As a transgender person begins to explore their gender identity, the various gender identity spectrums may change. This does not mean that their gender identity is changing, but that they are becoming more authentically themselves and gaining clarity through experimentation and exploration. Very few people will decide at a later point that they are not transgender, though this does happen. Additionally, someone who identifies as gender fluid, experiences their gender as shifting and not static, flowing within and between more than one gender (Brill & Kenney, 2016). Back to the case example of the couple in my mom’s question, I imagined the context of this couple being adults who grew up in less understanding and aware circumstances resulting in the trans man spending many years living as and identifying as a woman, despite the discomfort of doing so, and the trans woman, similarly, living many years as a man before being able to live authentically. Pronouns As we begin to learn language, we also learn ways to refer to people without always using their names. Many pronouns in the English language are assigned to a specific gender within the male/female binary. Thankfully, language continues to evolve, words are created, and meanings shift. With all the amazing strides being made towards equal rights and acceptance for marginalized communities, personal pronouns are getting revamped. Female/Woman/Girl pronouns include: she, her, hers, herself (TSER, 2014). Male/Man/Boy pronouns include: he, him, his, himself. Gender neutral pronouns include: they, them, theirs, themself/themselves (all referring to a singular person!), and ze, hir/zir, hirs/zirs, hirself/zirself (TSER, 2014, MYPRONOUNS.ORG, n.d.). Individuals may prefer that their name is used instead of any pronouns. As a person becomes more authentically themselves, they may try on different pronouns to find out what feels right. Some readers may have noticed the use of gender neutral pronouns throughout this blog series! Using correct pronouns is incredibly important, so it is helpful to ask what for a person’s pronouns and provide your own. This will send the message that you care, you are supportive, you do not want to assume, you do not want to harm, and you acknowledge a person’s complete self and their existence in the world. Mistakes happen, and there will probably be times that you accidentally misgender someone (I know I have!), but the acknowledgement of the mistake and attempt to continue trying makes such a difference (MYPRONOUNS.ORG, n.d.). Sexuality/Sexual Orientation Sexuality is the expression of sexual feelings and attractions. Similarly, sexual orientation is about who a person is attracted to physically, romantically, or otherwise (TSER, 2014). Just like gender identity, sexuality exists on a spectrum. Also, like gender identity, sexual orientation is not a choice. Sexual orientation can be a limiting term because it tends to group physical, romantic, and emotional attraction as all occurring towards the same type of person. This, however, is not always the case. Physical attraction exists on three spectrums: attraction to women, attraction to men, and attraction to other gender(s). Similarly, emotional attraction exists on its own set of the same three spectrums. Additional spectrums can be added including level of attraction to femininity or masculinity, regardless of gender identity. I will be discussing femininity and masculinity more in Part 3: Gender Expression of this blog series. Similar to the spectrums of gender identity, an individual can have different levels of attraction on each spectrum, including lack of attraction to any or all genders. There are many contextual factors that can result in attraction shifting over time and situation, but, again, sexual orientation is not a choice. As a society, labels are created to categorize based on sexuality and sexual orientation and have become something that is claimed as part of our identity. Labels can be helpful for creating community and uniting marginalized populations, especially to fight for equal rights. But labels can also be limiting and not convey all the complexities of who we are as humans. Many of these labels are gender-dependent and focused only on physical attraction, which is why the separation of gender identity and sexuality can be so confusing. For example, homosexual means that a person of one gender is sexually attracted to a person of the same gender, and heterosexual means that a person of one gender is sexually attracted to someone of the other gender. Both these terms usually assume that all parties identify within the gender binary of man and woman, and usually assume that all parties are cisgender. I want to note here that the term homosexual, because of its history of being used in a derogatory way medically, politically, religiously, and otherwise, is rarely used to self-identify today. Terms like lesbian and gay also imply knowing the gender identity of both the individual who is labeled and the person they are attracted to or in a relationship with, though it is important to let people label themselves. Instead of relying on labels, the various spectrums provide a more accurate portrayal of who we are, in each of our uniqueness. For the couple in my mom’s question, I am going to very cautiously assume they would consider themselves a heterosexual couple of man and woman. As I told my mom, it is none of my business what is between their legs nor how they express themselves sexually. As a man, he may or may not have had hormone replacement therapy or gender affirming surgeries, but no matter what he is still a man. Without surgery, he may feel more fully himself using a prosthetic penis that, when worn by him, is his penis, or he may not use a prosthetic penis at all. And as a woman, she may or may not have had hormone replacement therapy or had gender affirming surgeries, but no matter what she is still a woman. How this couple expresses themselves sexually and romantically is for them to communicate about and decide. I would imagine that no matter how this couple has sex, he wants to feel like and be seen as the person that he is by the person he loves, and she wants to feel like and be seen as the person that she is by the person that she loves, and no one, except the participating parties, is entitled to tell them what that looks like. More Layers of Spectrums In this blog post, I dove into the many layers of gender identity and sexuality spectrums. I discussed the importance of pronouns as a means of acknowledging the whole selves of all people. Another important factor in this discussion to try to answer my mom’s question is the concept of gender expression, which will be tackled in Part 3: Gender Expression of All About Spectrums. A list of terminology can be found at the end of Part 1: Tips for Collaborative Conversations, and additional terms discussed in this segment can be found below. *This story was told with permission from my mom. Thanks, mom! Terminology *Note: Language is constantly evolving and many of these terms may change in the future. Terms are, generally, ordered as they appeared in the text above. Additional terms were added to the list for clarity. Gender Terms:
Sexuality Terms:
References
Brill, S., & Kenney, L. (2016). The transgender teen: A handbook for parents and professionals supporting transgender and non-binary teens. Jersey City, NJ: Cleis Press. MYPRONOUNS.ORG: Resources on personal pronouns (n.d.). Retrieved from https://www.mypronouns.org/ SAVE: Suicide Awareness Voices of Education (2018). Suicide Facts. Retrieved from https://save.org/about-suicide/suicide-facts/ TSER: Trans Student Educational Resources (2014). The Gender Unicorn. Retrieved from https://www.transstudent.org/gender/ |
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